e-tip no. 90 – The (imperfect) art of mind-reading

Many people believe they can do mind-reading: knowing what other people do and why they do it.  But actually every time you are doing that you are opening the window on your own mind and your beliefs and behaviours for others to take a peek at!

One of the best rules of marketing I ever heard is don’t see the world through your eyes.  That is, to be a great marketer you have to view the world from your client’s perspective.

We all have our own map of the world that is experienced through a set of filters called beliefs, values, behaviours, memories and experiences (and another sub-set of filters called deletions, distortions and generalisations).

For example, you send a text but don’t get an immediate reply.  Now, which of these reasons why they didn’t reply immediately do you believe is more true:

• They are ignoring me
• They can’t be bothered to reply
• I’m not important to them
• I’ve said the wrong thing and upset them
• They are driving or on a plane and so cannot text me
• They didn’t get my text or there’s a delay in the network
• They prefer to communicate in another way
• Their phone battery is flat or is out of credit
• Or some other reason

Whichever you consider to be ‘true’ tells you way more about you than the other person.  The only ‘true’ way to find out is to ask directly and be hopeful of an honest answer.  And again, the filters you choose to use will determine what message you will pick up!  A suspicious filter will pick up a suspicious answer just as an honest filter will pick up an honest answer.  It may be easier to remember it as:

• You hear what you choose to hear
• You feel what you choose to feel
• You see what you choose to see
• You think what you choose to think
• You believe what you choose to believe

By changing your filters, you will have a different experience.  And to remind you of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different answer. Same filter: same answer.  Different filter: different answer.

To better understand someone, rather than overlay your view of the world onto them, first understand how they experience the world.  You will both be the richer for it and improve your mind-reading skills no end!

Until next time

Anthony

 

©Anthony Davis 2008.  All rights reserved

e-tip 89 – starting….today!

most people over-estimate what they can achieve in a year and under-estimate what they can achieve in a lifetime.  Tony Robbins

If you were at the end of your life looking back, what would you have started?  Or started sooner. For example, the average time between thinking of setting up a business and starting it is 10 years!

It’s easy to get into a trance-like state of getting up, going to work, doing the job, getting home, collapsing, eating, watching tv, going to bed and starting all over again the next day.  And then collapsing at the weekend or spending it just doing chores, and then starting over again the next week.  And days merge into weeks, and weeks into years…

…putting off your dreams, until we say we have the time, or I don’t know how to, or where to start…or being afraid of doing the wrong thing (and how do you know it’s the wrong thing if you’ve never done it?  Or if you know it is, choose something else that’s ‘right’!).  What about:

• that holiday of a lifetime
• putting that great business idea into reality
• finding that job/career I’d love to do
• paying of my mortgage early
• finding my perfect partner
• having my dream home
• being my ideal weight, shape, size
• being fit and healthy
• being financially independent
• doing what I want, when I want

I read a while ago a book called S.U.M.O. – Shut Up Move On – by Paul McGee who suggests looking at your life as a week with each day representing 10 years, being born on Monday morning.  According to that, I’m on Friday morning!  Yikes!  What day of the week are you on?

Today’s experiment

• Take something off your wish list that you’d love to do but have put off for a long time.  If you don’t have a wish list then I suggest you write one out.  (more on this at e-tip no. 12).  Then take some action on it today, however small, such as:

• discuss your wishes with friends and ask them for ideas (and I mean ideas, rather than their reasons why they wouldn’t puirsue their own dreams)
• pick up some holiday brochures or buy a travel guide, learn a language
• do some research, Google it, Wikipedia it, just find out more
• Sign up for some ideas, tips and inspiration emailed to you. Some of my favourites are:

• Michael Neill The Success Coach
• Jamie Smart NLP Genius and happiness expert
• Mike Dooley TUT’s Adventurers Club
• Trizle.com Straight talking business tips 

buy a book on the subject (and read the first 10 pages, or any pages at random)

post yourself to a dating website after writing a list of your ideal partner (you can use the Knowing what you want process as a starting point)

brainstorm some actions, however crazy they seem, you never know…

open a savings account (for that new business/holiday/home) and put a pound in it and put in more each week

shop for the best deals at www.moneysavingexpert.com and put the money saved to pay off your debts more quickly

Once you start somewhere, you’ll know more about where to pursue your ideas, staying open to new ideas and new ways of acheiving what you want.

And then tomorrow, take some more action, and then the next day…

How many more ‘days’ can you want let go by????

Whatever you do, or dream, begin it now.. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.  Goethe.

And have fun too!

Until next time

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis 2007.  All rights reserved.

e-tip 88 – leadership and being yourself

There have been many books produced on leadership and suggesting that if you display those behaviours then you too would be a great leader – only they don’t quite work for many people.  This is for a number of reasons but the main one is: it’s not the real you.

Even actors can’t keep in character all the time, and they revert to type at the end of a show or scene.  Think about it – how long can you keep up a pretence?  Whilst feeling completely comfortable and natural about it?

I read a while back a research study on leadership and they came up with 3 qualities that leaders exhibited.  The first of which was:

• Being themselves

Successful leaders were comfortable and confident with who they were, and consistent in what they did and how they behaved.  What they said and did was the same. The research showed they all had different personal styles but that they were consistent in it’s application.  They walked the walk and talked the talk.

And this is probably why some leaders write about, for example, the 4 rules of…, or the 7 factors of…or the 11 commandments for Leaders (Gen. Schwartzkopf) which is the difference between what they think is going on, and what is really going on (the being themselves bit).

On another level, something like 25% of CV’s contain at least one lie which could someway explain why 18million people in the UK want to change jobs – that’s around 65% of the working population.  By not being themselves some people end up doing a job they don’t love or struggle to do!  Now why would you do that?

The second thing that the researchers came up with with is that great leaders all have great vision – they know what they want.  Which is also one of the ‘lucky’ principles.

And the third thing?  They all have coaches to bring out the best in them!

Today’s experiment

• Just be yourself today, knowing that you can always go back to your other self (if you have one) tomorrow if the new authentic self doesn’t work.  No acting, or being someone else.  Just your 100% authoentic self.  And notice how it feels and what’s different. Do you feel more or less relaxed?  Do you sleep better?

Until next time

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis.  All Rights reserved.

e-tip no. 87 – Word of mouth wins in marketing stakes

Following on from my e-tip no. 84 – better communicating, I just read some research from www.e-marketer.com which adds to it, giving a big thumbs up to word of mouth communication.

They found, when it comes to decisions, a whopping 94% of effective communication is verbal, either face-to-face (75%), or over the telephone (19%).

 

So the question is: how do you communicate with decision-makers?

Until next time,

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis 2007.  All rights reserved.

E-tip no. 86 – What’s your motivation?

Do you find yourself saying any of the following:

• I have to…
• I should…
• I want to…

The first of these is a sign of desperation.  The second is a rationalisation.  The third is inspiration.  Generally, the last one works best for lasting motivation.

Motivation generally comes through doing what you love to do, or sometimes changing your perspective on it to a little more useful and positive.  For example doing filing is for most people not very exciting.  What is more useful is considering as having everything to hand, or knowing where your papers are so you can get hold of them instantly when you need to (read more on this in my e-tip no. 64 – what are you putting up with?)

And for more the unpleasant things that we need to do like completing tax returns, then there are motivational alternatives to this (aside from getting a book-keeper or accountant to do your return). For example, considering how great you’ll feel when you’ve done it.  And if your to do list is overwhelming, I recommend Jamie Smart’s e-tip on this a while back on ‘Chunking’

Generally, taking action is the best solution to motivation – however small.  Say giving yourself just 15 minutes on a task, and if at the end of the 15 minutes, and you’re still OK with it, then continue for another 15 minutes, and so on.  If you only spend 15 minutes, then at least you’ve made some progress to pick up on next time.  This way, you break down big tasks into bite sized chunks.

Today’s experiment

If you’re stuck on motivation, have a go at one or more of these 10 suggestions:

• write a list of actions – saves stuff going around in your head and makes it more manageable
• Stop thinking and start doing, anywhere - you’ll work out better ways as you gain experience
• Be tenacious – brainstorm at least 10 ways to start, and then do one
• Delete it – does it really need doing?
• Get someone else to help or do all of it – sub-contract it out
• Imagine how you’ll feel when you’ve done it – and hold the thought as you’re doing it
• Change your place or state – I rarely write in the office, finding coffee shops or bars more inspirational
• Keep a pen and paper handy to jot down notes and ideas – your mind then develops these unconsciously for you
• Do the unpleasant things first in your day, thus avoiding the day-long feelings and thoughts of continually putting them off!
• Pick a different way – way more people exercise from walking than going to the gym

And have fun too

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis 2007.  All Rights Reserved.

E-tip No. 85 – Losing or Gaining?

We all hate losing things such as:

• Your keys
• Your job
• Your wallet or purse
• Control
• Your way
• Your temper
• Your mind!

And we usually prefer gaining something such as:

• Promotion
• A pay rise
• A new qualification
• Recognition

So, losing things is ‘bad’ and gaining things is ‘good’.

Or is it?

There’s one thing in particular that people love losing and hate gaining and that’s losing weight rather than gaining pounds.  When the mind is pretty much hard-wired to the idea that losing is a bad thing and gaining is a good thing, it can easily get confused and make change dificult in this area.

So what to do about it….go with the way the mind works.

So, rather than thinking about losing weight (and we all hate losing), how about thinking of it as:

• Gaining a size 12
• Gaining a new wardrobe full of great fitting clothes
• Gaining complements from others
• Gaining fitness and health
• Gaining confidence and self esteem
• Gaining…(insert here what you want you’ll be gaining)

And make it fun gain too

Until next time,

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis 2007.  All rights reserved.

e-tip no. 84 – better communicating

As you know, if you do the same thing you tend to get the same results.  And this is true with communications.

We all have a preferred method of communicating, whether by talking, face to face or over the phone, via email, texting, filtering calls, writing letters/memos and generally this works.  However, sometimes the person we are communicating to has their own preferred method, and this may not be the same as yours.  In this case, your message may lose something in translation.

After all, the quality of your communication can be judged by the response you get: if you don’t get the expected response, change how you communicate the message: it’s your responsibility to ensure the other person understands, not theirs.

And there are all manner of ways of changing how you communicate something, and common ones are metaphors, analagies, big picture, fine detail (there are 14 in all).

Today’s experiment

• Firstly notice how others communicate with you, and respond with the same method.  So, if they telephone you, telephone them.
• If you’re not getting the response you want (or any response), have a go with some of these:

• If you text, call instead
• If you email, call instead
• If you email, write a letter
• If you call, arrange to meet
• If you normally meet, text or email

And notice the difference in your communicating and the response.  And if one way doesn’t get the result you want, go with another, until you do.

Even just using a different way will break the pattern and the normally automatic response in the other person.

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis 2007.  All right reserved.

E-tip No. 83 – Crisis? What crisis?

I’m not talking here about an early Supertramp album but the crises that companies and organisations go through as they grow.

One little known and wonderful simple model of identifying this – and how to come through it – was developed by a guy called Greiner back in 1972.  And I’ve experienced this (painfully) in my own organisations and come across many other organisations where this is so very true.

Greiner describes 5 phases of growth and the crises each one goes through as the organisation expands.  And more importantly, how they move forward:

• Phase 1: Growth through creativity (often from an owner manager), and then comes a crisis of leadership – the bosses ability to keep stuff in their head rather than  share it, or changing what the company does, or who does what, at a whim: staff eventually get p**sed off, frustrated becoming unproductive, and eventually leave (or generally the good ones do).  Growth comes from setting a clear strategy and objectives for the staff to pursue, and letting them get on with it.
• Phase 2: Growth through direction, and then comes the crisis of autonomy.  You know, a manager can generally successfully manage up to 12-17 people.  More than that it’s increasingly dificult for one person to micro manage individuals.  What’s needed is delegation of the day-to-day operations, and put in place an organisational structure.
• Phase 3: Growth through delegation leading to a crisis of control – sometimes too many chiefs or unclear lines of communication, responsibility and authority.  Just setting out who does what, when and how and then letting them get on with the job can make a huge difference.
• Phase 4: Gowth through co-ordination leading to a crisis of red tape – where system is overlaid over system and with endless procedures and form filling, often as a result of a silo/departmental mentality.  The way forward is in developing a culture of trust, sharing of information, simplification, teamwork, and joined-up thinking and action.
• Phase 5: Growth through collaboration leading to….?

The trick is to recognise the place where you or your organisation is at – and do something about it!  I learnt this the hard way.  Within 3 years the company I was running had grown to 16 staff.  Micro-managing, fire-fighting and working long hours was taking it’s toll – on the company, my staff, on me, and my marriage.  The company had grown by being creative and now needed a period of stabilisation so the Directors and staff agreed a strategy and allowed the team to get on with the operations.  I passed on my specialist skills to my staff and left (I’m not an operations person) to pursue my creativity in coaching and consulting, although it was a little too late to save my marriage.

Today’s experiment

• Have a look at the phases above and consider where your organisaiton  may be.  You may have worked this out yourself and already be doing something about it. Great!
• If not, then awareness of it and what to do next can be useful.  Consider the way forward, the next phase you need to take.  It may be painful but how painful is the alternative or just doing nothing – personally, professionally and organisationally?  Consider behemoths like governments or the NHS where effecting change is causing huge upsets because change has been left too late instead of progressive over time.
• And if you’re effecting change, consider the effect on others, and involve them in the process.  They will always have something useful to contribute (a little more on this in forthcoming e-tips).

Anthony

Copyright Anthony Davis 2007.  All rights reserved.

e-tip no. 82 – the unwritten contract

You know, you start a job, you sign a contract outlining your duties and what the employer will give you in return (hours, pay, benefits etc) and then you start work.

And then there’s another contract, but this one is neither negotiated nor signed.  This is the social contract, and it covers everything over and above the written contract.  It covers things like, putting in a few extra hours, visits to the dentists and doctors during working hours, dress codes, behaviour, dropping the mail off on the way home, having to go to the school to pick up a sick child, leaving at 5am to go to a meeting 200miles away, getting back from a business trip at midnight and expected to be at your desk by 8am the following day, and such like.

And as they’re not explicitly negotiated, they happen by default, and if there’s given and take on both sides then the employer and employee are happy.

And sometimes the social contract occurs by attrition and drip feeding.  For example, a friend of mine put in few extra hours here and there and within a few years was working 80hours every week – essentially working half price!  And at this stage as he was doing an extra job it was a little dificult to negotiate back to his contracted 40 hours.

Today’s experiment

• Do a stock check of your social contract – the things you do or are ‘expected’ to do at work over and above your written contract , and ask yourself am I happy with this?  And if not how would I prefer it to be?
• You might then want to discuss with your manager or employer some of these and be upfront about it.  Your manager or employer might even appreciate this as it makes the relationship on both sides clearer and less fuzzy and easier for both of you to negotiate should the situation arise.
• And if you’re a manager or employer, you might want to do the same exercise to make it clearer what you expect from your staff to make your negotations and relationships easier and simpler.
• And always be mindful of your successful negotiating options

And if you want some specific strategies, drop me a line at anthony@adavis.me.uk and I’ll make some suggestions.

Until next time…

Anthony

©Anthony Davis 2007. All rights reserved.

e-tip no. 81 – problem solving or solution finding?

This may sound like a bit like semantics but given that the language people use directs your attention which would you prefer to be focused on?  The problem or the solution?  Some examples of the difference are:

• Cutting back or generating sales
• Managing debt or increasing income
• Reducing stress or being relaxed
• Dissatisfied customers or having a constant stream of happy customers
• Reducing product failure rates or increasing product reliability
• Unhappy and unproductive staff or having productive and happy staff

Problem solving tends to have the emphasis on going round and round in circles on the problem, and sometimes that can be useful – to a point.  But for many, dwelling too long on this creates a position of ’stuckness’ and a dificulty in moving forward. And there’s a quick way to get to the bottom of this at my e-tip no. 76 and then finding the starting point to move on

In contrast, a solution finding focus directs the mind’s attention to generating longer term solutions rather than quick and temporary fixes.

And just making this small ’semantic’ shift can make a huge difference to your resourcefullness.

Today’s experiment

• Pick a problem you’re wrestling with.  It may one of the above.
• Instead of focussing on the problem, restate it as how you’d prefer it to be, or the future position you want to be in
• Now make a list of 10 actions or solutions you could take to move towards this future position
• Pick one off the list and take action on it within 24hrs.  Then another, then another, and keep generating ideas and taking action on those.  Go with the feedback from your ideas and actions, refining and improving these as you go along.  Involving others in the process usually helps too.

Until next time…

Anthony

©Anthony Davis 2007. All Rights Reserved.