E-tip No. 72 – How do you want to react?
Have you ever had an argument with someone – a colleague, your partner, one of your children, someone in a call centre, and it pretty much always goes the same way?
You say one thing, they come back with another, you say something else and so it goes to the same conclusion (which you don’t want)…like a record being stuck?
It’s as if you know the outcome before the conversation even starts?
Most people think they automatically react to something when it happens. It’s as if they can’t change it. It’s just me! They made me say that! I can’t help it!
Well, genetically, the only two automatic reactions are the flight and fright ones and these are designed to protect you, which means that the rest are learnt. It’s just a habit and behaviour that’s all and like any habit or behaviour you can learn new ones that work better than the old one.
And now knowing this you can change how you react and change the outcome. After all when you do the same thing you get the same result. If you want a different result, change what or how you say it.
And that will interrupt the pattern of the other person, and they’ll have to think and say and behave differently and you can take it from there.
Today’s experiment
· When someone says something to you (or texts or emails) – as they have done previously – this time take a pause before responding (taking a breath is useful here)
· Then, make a conscious choice in deciding what would be a more useful way to react . And this time in a way that’s different to before (after all the previous ways didn’t work so you may as well try something new hadn’t you?). For example, respond with humour, or instead of using the why question, use a what question instead?
· If you can, be in a kind and generous and forgiving state of mind, and you’ll say the right thing. Like most things, with practice it gets easier.
· Just have a practice at this and I think you’ll be very pleasantly surprised.
Until we meet…
Anthony
©Anthony Davis 2007
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I woke up early today when for some reason my alarm went off at 4 am and I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was tired and snappy this morning – mainly with my poor hubby as he was within earshot. If only I had paused first, I know that makes sense, but it is the sort of thing you are wiser about afterwards.
P.S. Your blog is looking really good, Geoff is coming over this weekend to Les Gets with his new girlfriend, son and his partner. I hope to visit one day later in the year. Do keep visiting my site and I will reciprocate.
Happy New Year.
Hi Ellee
And the great thing now is that you’re aware of the fact that it’s possible to pause……and then decide how you want to react. Having more choices allows you to be more choiceful.
Anthony
PS Thanks for the comments – I fly home on Saturday and so plan to meet up with Geoff in the week. You might consider coming out on the 3rd March when I’m running another 4 day girls-only ski clinic?
Yes, I needed to hear this today! What I do when I slightly overdo the chop and he asks, ‘why?’is say, well, I’m no good at cooking these days, I lose concentration. I know it’s the most important job in the world at the moment but I still can’t produce the perfect chop, edible – but only just and I shouldn’t expect you to eat it,(but if you don’t I’ll stick the knife in myself even more etc). It’s disastrous, so we spend dinnertime not saying anything unless something neutral pops into our heads.He daren’t because I’ll do this self-critical thing which is me anticipating how I think he’s about to react and saying it for him.And I can’t say anything because by now I’ve become this monster who’s only going to say something manipulatingly destructive about herself anyway. That’s on a bad day, but they’re hard to recover from.
I did think of something neutral today, which sort of interested him.
By the way, I’m still working at the Environment Agency, until the end of March. Already putting feelers out for the next temp position there. A part-time job came up, but not enough hours. Only 15.
Think I could face elsewhere now but I do want it to have some purpose.
Am really enjoying talking to people about floodrisk and so on.Have gained loads more experience getting answers to tecnical questions for consultants from a wide range of colleagues. Much faster pace than my job in Water Resources.
It’s just cooking I struggle with!
So, there’s an update, just to show you that I do, mostly read your E tips and am hoarding them for my son,Nick,who is doing business studies but is totally cagey about his uni email address.
When he’s ready I’ll let him have them, prob when we’ve shelled out for a laptop.
Very best wishes,
Trish Harewood
Godmanchester
Hi Trish
Thanks for the comment and it’s great you’re enjoying your work and getting some great experience.
I cook myself and sometimes it doesn’t come out as expected and that’s fine too.
And if nothing comes up to talk about, that’s fine too.
Many people find the quiet spaces in conversation uncomfortable and feel the need to fill it with chit chat. But that’s not necessary. It’s a bit like exercise – people don’t fitter and improve at the gym, but in the time relaxing and resting between gym sessions.
How would it be if next time you had dinner just go quiet on the inside for a moment and allow whatever comes up to come up, and if you want to share that, then go ahead. If nothing comes up, han that’s fine too. And predicting how the other persons going to react? How do you know that to be true unless you say it?
And for cooking – I’d recommend Jamie Oliver’s new cook book!
Have fun!
Anthony
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